When I Die…

This may be a little macabre, but I’ve been thinking about what I want things to be like when I die. I closed my law firm officially last week. I just wasn’t happy practicing law, and I realized that when I’m on my deathbed, I don’t want to think that I should have changed jobs fifty years ago. And that’s what I would think if I continued in law, or at least in practicing law. So I’ve closed up shop and am spending some time being a housewife. I don’t think I will regret this.

Thinking about being on my deathbed got me thinking about other areas of my life as well. Carl and I talked about things, and we agreed that, if one of us were to die suddenly, we don’t want either of us to feel that we should have said more or shown more love. And I know that, if one of us died today, I would know that I had shown him love and been shown so much love. I also don’t want to feel like I didn’t really LIVE. And by this, I don’t mean bungee jumping or swimming with sharks or opening a bar on a beach in Costa Rica. I mean being present. Being present to experience the beauty and the sorrow that life provides. This means everything from playing with my dogs and gardening to spending time with friends and family to traveling to reading a book and watching TV (because yes, watching some TV can contribute to my happiness). I’ve known someone who disconnected and chose not to be present and experience the hurts and the joys, and it caused a lot of pain for many people. I will be present though. I will try not to regret broken relationships or missed opportunities. I may not love life every day, but I will appreciate it and know that experiencing it is what makes everything worth it. Embracing the pain and the sadness so that celebrating joy and love is even more brilliant.

That got really sappy, didn’t it? I’m in a bit of a sentimental and contemplative mood…